That is the phrase I woke with in my head this morning, well once I finally consented to finally really get up. Waking before 6am when I fell asleep after 2am was not in my plans. I finally fell back to sleep and kept doing so until it was just ridiculous to try to avoid the world any longer.
I do not feel like a fool in a "I'm stupid" sort of way, more in the overly hopeful way, more in that I learn from mistakes but yet I keep trying certain things again and again because what if I were wrong.
This is a bit of a long way of saying I am single again. It has been in the works for a bit now but I wanted to wait until I was ready to disclose. I feel hurt, bruised, and very tired. Sad, very very sad. There have days of crying and inertia, also days of excellent distraction, moving forward in various areas.
As I had planned for myself upon before coming back to New Paltz (I've been here for a bit of time now) I investigated therapists (Happy D?) and will continue with one, at least for now; giving it some time to see if a good bond and good work happen.
Like before I will not be using this space to process what went on, or engage in a she said/she said type thing. Rather I will continue to examine my actions, my motivations, and my meanderings. I will also continue to write about my Utah experience because it was amazing.
Back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Utah Day 1
(Many of the Utah posts will drawn from my journal writings and may quote from that writing as well.)
Monday, April 19th I had an outrageously early flight out of Cleveland. BC was so sweet waking with me at 4:15am, making me coffee and packing me snacks. The nice thing was that my flights were easy and on time; on the first leg I dozed a great deal as I was already behind on sleep.
"So much is unknown, new. New people, new vistas, new version of travel. But if I want to go to Death Valley someday with Greg and Janet, this is a first stop. I am worried my writing will freeze up, that my photos would be cliche [some are!]. Both of those may happen. I just need to push through. I am hoping to meditate a bit, sit in the silence and see what comes up.
Met up easily with Matt P and Meredith, found conversation flowed easily. Later G & J arrived, we got all turned around in Salt Lake City trying to find REI and food shopping sources but finally we were on the road. We found billboards helped us choose our dinner stop - Groggs in Price Utah. Really excellent food, highly recommended. Our ride continued for quite awhile; in the distances we saw lots of virgas.
"Seeing the mountains from above in the plane was so lovely, so beautiful - the ridges, the snow, subtle color shifts. I thought about yarn and patterns... The striations of each, the sharp edges, hoodoos, rocks standing on what looks like their ends. The restaurant looked like the center of a town on the verge of becoming hip."
Finally, after dark we arrived at Dead Horse State Park and set up camp.
"The others are outside talking, too jazzed by the beautiful night - warm, bright stars, and I am beyond tired...They are excited to hike, I am but not in the same way, they are serious hikers and this is all new for me. I wonder if I will like it. The views, the quiet, seeing the stars, writing, thinking - that's what I am looking forward to the most I think."
There are four tents squeezed on a tiny tent pad. That's Janet with a deer in the flashlight expression.
Monday, April 19th I had an outrageously early flight out of Cleveland. BC was so sweet waking with me at 4:15am, making me coffee and packing me snacks. The nice thing was that my flights were easy and on time; on the first leg I dozed a great deal as I was already behind on sleep.
"So much is unknown, new. New people, new vistas, new version of travel. But if I want to go to Death Valley someday with Greg and Janet, this is a first stop. I am worried my writing will freeze up, that my photos would be cliche [some are!]. Both of those may happen. I just need to push through. I am hoping to meditate a bit, sit in the silence and see what comes up.
Met up easily with Matt P and Meredith, found conversation flowed easily. Later G & J arrived, we got all turned around in Salt Lake City trying to find REI and food shopping sources but finally we were on the road. We found billboards helped us choose our dinner stop - Groggs in Price Utah. Really excellent food, highly recommended. Our ride continued for quite awhile; in the distances we saw lots of virgas.
"Seeing the mountains from above in the plane was so lovely, so beautiful - the ridges, the snow, subtle color shifts. I thought about yarn and patterns... The striations of each, the sharp edges, hoodoos, rocks standing on what looks like their ends. The restaurant looked like the center of a town on the verge of becoming hip."
Finally, after dark we arrived at Dead Horse State Park and set up camp.
"The others are outside talking, too jazzed by the beautiful night - warm, bright stars, and I am beyond tired...They are excited to hike, I am but not in the same way, they are serious hikers and this is all new for me. I wonder if I will like it. The views, the quiet, seeing the stars, writing, thinking - that's what I am looking forward to the most I think."
There are four tents squeezed on a tiny tent pad. That's Janet with a deer in the flashlight expression.Saturday, May 08, 2010
A Cold Spring
A Cold Spring
It is catches you unaware
Creeping in the invisible pockets
Suddenly there is a light frost
in your home
in your bones
Running in place you try to stay
away from icicles forming around you
Asking them to leave
Making offerings to the winds of change
to bring back the warmth that you crave,
that envelopes you in safety
The fight saps your energy
Kills your ability to rest as tendrils of
wind lick at your toes
Admission of defeat rises up your spine
Breathing becomes a struggle as
if feels as if blocks of ice are resting on your chest
In the end you leave to seek a new resting spot
Hoping that the warmth will return to you.
It is catches you unaware
Creeping in the invisible pockets
Suddenly there is a light frost
in your home
in your bones
Running in place you try to stay
away from icicles forming around you
Asking them to leave
Making offerings to the winds of change
to bring back the warmth that you crave,
that envelopes you in safety
The fight saps your energy
Kills your ability to rest as tendrils of
wind lick at your toes
Admission of defeat rises up your spine
Breathing becomes a struggle as
if feels as if blocks of ice are resting on your chest
In the end you leave to seek a new resting spot
Hoping that the warmth will return to you.
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