Like Britn*y Spear*, "Oops I did it again," by pushing the wrong button on the treadmill. And once again I did not cancel out the setting. Once again I did 1.5 miles in 30 minutes this way. Here I will treat to you some of my mutterings (forgoing all the times I said "fuck!" during this event:
I can't believe I am doing this again. Why?
BC asked the other day if I felt like I could do anything now that I had done that walk/run thing the other day. Thinking long and hard, my answer was no. I was still too stunned that I had done it, too focused on how much I wanted to cry the whole time I was on the tread, too unclear on what it all meant.
So why am I doing this again, seriously? I don't like it, I am not enjoying it. My knee and ankle are hurting.
Come on there has to be a reason, besides being stubborn.
Ow (knee really hurt for a moment there).
Okay, so why are you doing this?
I don't know.
You must have some idea.
Because I don't want to be defined by fear.
Damn this sucks.
At least I am not using the hand holds this time, and I am not hunching over the during the walk segments.
I like doing things that are hard, that are good for me. Like leaving bad relationships, like taking a risk on this one. There is no way to know the future, all we have is right now. The only thing we can control is how we act, whether we grow. We can influence and hope to intervene others' behaviors and actions but it is only ourselves that we have any governance over.
There is no way I can do 45 minutes, okay I will try for a mile.
I want to stop but I have to make a real attempt.
If I keep doing this I am going to need a sports bra (said as I held my breasts during a run segment, and oh hell how did they get this large???)
Again why am I doing this?
Because I need to learn how to leave the ground, and yes I am referring to more than physically. I need to push myself past the "I can'ts".
I have to not be limited by the things I can do well. You can't become good at new things without starting out doing them badly. Practice is how you get better. I have to be willing to suck, to do things badly, to face that I don't know things.
I still don't know why am doing this.
Okay fine I will a mile and a half, I think I can do that. I just can't do 45 minutes of this. My knee still hurts.
At least I didn't feel like crying the whole time.