Little girls are sugar and sweet and sexy?

It's not like things will change with this (old news, I told you I've been holding on to things for a long time to write about) information, because it never does. Life is so much like Pandora's Box, once it's open there is no way to re-contain what's been released. The sexualized identity has been let out of it's dark corner, for better and for worse. While it is good in so many ways, among them opening lines of communication and at least some of the time allowing misinformation to be corrected, it has also changed the way society looks a girls. A lot. I have found it hard to browse the clothing racks at stores for girls 5-10yrs old because I know I would have never be allowed to wear things like that and honestly that makes me happy. It feels like growing up has been accelerated but only in regards to sex, not politics, not fiscal management, not study skills.

From 2007 also I saved this link to "special" Barbies. I swear that every time I scrolled and saw the words "Barbie Pivotal Body Cabaret Dancer" I though it said "Private Dancer", yes as in that song. Though the song talks about the men being faceless and having no identity it is still about women selling their bodies. It's about using one's body to get things, money, and hope (the only thing left in Pandora's Box) for a better future.

At the same time this 2007 article (I am certain I could easily find articles from this year if I searched but these are already in my files - I being lazy on day 21 of NaBloPoMo) is scary to me for so many reasons. The idea of using marriage imagery in a commitment ceremony designed to strengthen the relationship between a father and a daughter is creepy. There is no other word for it. That it mimics a nuns "marriage vows" to god is not lost on me. I do question the statement towards the end of the paradoxical effect the purity pledge has on sexual behavior, only because I wonder where the data comes from even though I believe it on a gut level. I do not doubt that many Purity Pearls still participate in sexual behavior, just not vaginal-penile intercourse so they can preserve their virginity. The lack of anything else being "counted" as sex is heterosexist, limiting and delusional. One problem with that is the these girls are not educated on safe sex, which means the sex they likely are having can still lead to life changing repercussions. Another level of scary right there. Some critique is out there which mirrors some of my thoughts when I first read about this - could all this focus on virginity actually sexualizes the very population it purports to protect from sex?

I think it is harder for young women to make good decisions despite the increased openess, despite and maybe because of the ability to find out things on the internet. It is hard to know how and who to be when so many of the examples have been turned into a porn caricature of everything from the nerd, the cheerleader, the good girl, everything has been shown with a flip side that is all about letting loose, being the vixen underneath it all. While I love all that for me, as an adult, as someone who has explored the nuanced meanings of being lots of things at once, I also remember being a teen who was playing at those things and not knowing what it all meant; and I was lucky that worse things did not happen to be because I was playing with fire - a lot- in those days. I cannot imagine trying to navigate those waters now. I am not saying the world is more dangerous than it was, I am saying the images are stronger and the pressure is different.

Will you still love me when I'm 64

Perhaps it is an gnawing awareness of my advancing age but I have been thinking a lot about sexuality and aging. Maybe it's just I like thinking about sex. Whatever.

As someone who has a rather large repertoire of fantasies, activities and such, I wonder how physical age impacts things like, oh flexibility of limbs and stamina. But also, it feels easy to suspend reality now, preferring to get a thrill out of TGF's steadfast proclamations that butches flirt with me right and left, some day, real flirtations or (mostly) imagined, that will dwindle to nothing and I will be invisible. Now, it's easy to role play being a oversexed teen but will it become unbelievable even to the two of us twenty years from now? Will different fantasies replace them, do fantasies age with us or in contradiction to the sags, the wrinkles, and a youth that is scores away.

My sexuality is a powerful force in how I view myself in the world and I am wondering how that may change when my juiciness fades literally (hello menopause), or perspectively by becoming less noticeable to others because while I "walk around with it", I do rely on others' noticing, which I believe a lot of us do. I do think as mentioned in the above link, I will keep my sense of humour, inner poise and it is highly unlikely my sizable ass will ever be lost (because lord knows I've tried a hundred times to lose that thing!), there is a more intangible "it" that is related to allure, sex appeal, seductiveness that it hard to find examples in "a woman of a certain age" (at least in this country, if one believes the link, which inspired dreams of becoming an ex-patriot in Paris in my later years), and that is what I worry about disappearing.

In many ways my sexuality is at an all time high in terms of its rawness, accessibility and expression because TGF and I work so hard to explore boundaries, push limits, expose our emotional life to each other with depth and honesty which results in an incredibly hot and often vulnerable relationship. Perhaps that is part of why I am thinking about these things because I am want to hold on to this thrall, I want to hold on to the intimacy we have been building, and there are about a hundred fantasies I still want to act on, and I suspect many will be repeated. That's a lot of sex in my future.

I suspect in a few years, what will change for certain and for true is I will be spending a lot more money of lubricants.