Day 5 - Friday April 23

We all woke at 6am to break camp down and load up so that we could make it to Calf Creek Falls and score two camp sites since this place is first come, first serve. Our car with M, M, G & I hit the road at 7:30. Katie and Janet stayed for a while to explore the canyons at the camp.

The road was beautiful, with a key sighting of Prong Horn Sheep - one was crossing the road ahead of us to meet up with his herd. I was able to get a few photos but none too close unfortunately. We arrived at the camp early enough to score two lovely sites near each other. Greg helped me set up my site since he had so much energy and his tent was with Janet. I t

ook a short nap while waiting for the rest of our party to arrive, which turned out to be fortuitous given the hike that was still to come.

At about 2pm all of us started on the Lower Calf Creek Trail, with M, M, & K quickly moving ahead. Janet and I took a lot of photos which slowed us more than my pace alone would. Early on I struggled with the climb even while enjoying the vistas. The path rose and fell with the landscape frequently shifting from marshlands, to plains, to a trickling creek to river. This area was overall much greener, almost lush compared to the first days. The presence of a stream changes so much; it snaked nearer and farther from the trail. It's hard to believe that all those colors in the rock are not the rock itself but the effect of minerals and rain shifting formations of blocks and stripes that dance across the surface. The beauty of all this is hard to describe because it is so vastness that it is almost overwhelming to absorb. The rock goes from barely having color to this incredible deep red streaked with rock varnish - a particular combination of minerals that is a black-purple coating sometimes in blocks

or great swatches of the rock face, other times mottled as to form a picture in w

hich everyone would see a different image.

The plant life included cacti, segmented scrub grass, safe, holly, some species of oak, juniper, and pinyon pine. there were a number of small flowering plants - yellow, pink, purple and white blooms abounded. There were also

pictographs high on the wall on the rock face opposite of our trail; there were also ancient graineries built into the hollows of an overhang.

At various point I heard what sounded like it might be the waterfall which filled me wit

h hope but it was the wind winding through the canyon. There were posts with numbers delinatinating interesting points of the trail. At #10 I saw the accompanying pamphlet which told me that the end point was #15 and I doubted my ability to to finish the full length. Just before #12 I told G & J I was going turn around. I had seen people coming back from the falls who were older than me, heavier than me but clearly I thought they were stronger. I had been using the image of a very old woman who was being carefully led down the trail as inspiration but in the end it all failed me. As we took a break M, M, & K were coming back towards us and encouraged me. After a time assessment, some swigs of electrolytes, and handing off my camera weight to Greg, I trudged onward.

Making it to the 125 foot waterfall was a grand reward. The pool of water looked like an oasis, greens on the rock face under the flow, ferns growing upside down on the canyon to the left of the water, the serenity of it. Here the tempe

rature was significantly cooler and the sweat running down my back chilled rapidly. Adding layers, eating some food revived me a bit, so I got up to explore just a bit.

Soon I decided to start back, figuring that G & J would easily catch up with me. In the stream I again spotted the trout with the leopard print design, saw a pair of mallard ducks and much to my surprise came upon a small stand of mule deer. Tempting as it was to unpack my camera, with them so close I declined, simply enjoying making eye contact in silence with them.

The light had changed by this time and the rock, scrub, and trees became beautiful anew. It looked like the sun, which was lower in the sky, was making the light rock even blonder on my left which then was reflecting onto the red next to me, causing it to look like a glowing ember.

I took great delight in the numbered posts descending as it marked my progress. Once or twice I got a little disoriented on the trail and had to take a moment to place myself. Much to my amazement G & J never quite caught up with me. It was during this time alone that I had my first epiphany. Back in January when I "accidentally" ran, BC asked me if it made me feel like I could do anything. My response was "No." But today? Today I felt like I could do anything. This was a life changing day for me. In the end I had hiked 6 miles, a large accomplishment for me. When I returned to the camp I was tired, achy, cold and crabby but I also realized that I had done something huge. I was a different person in some hard to define way that would live on forever.

Are You There Blog, It's Me Dharma?

Hi,

I know it's been awhile. Too long really. Okay first thing that I need to tell is that I am no longer employed. Yes, it's true. No, I didn't walk. On New Year's Eve I was informed that this understaffed company was going to take three positions into two so I was out. On some level I must have tasted something in the air. I had decided to take Friday, January 2nd off and give myself another 4 day weekend so I was clearing up my desk, tidying up. A lot. I had even tucked the Moderator Training manual in my bag to move it to home since I had gotten to keep a copy after setting up that event. Given the new situation I wrote to the powers that be that I would come in briefly on Friday to finish cleaning up email and leaving a status report on my various projects. I was fully assured it was a "it's not you, it' me" type of break up. They are very happy with my performance, my decision to come back in fit with the level of professionalism I had display, blah, blah. The temp agency is totally happy with me. The job was stressing me to the max so except for the lack of income thing, this is pretty good.

It's not like I had any problem telling dear blog that I was let go, I think it was a lot of exhaustion and perhaps that I treat you sometimes like my dearest friends - I don't talk when I am depressed and going through a lot. Don't get me wrong I am still a bit depressed though without the stress from this job, it's better.

Monday I jumped through a series of fiery hoops in an effort to procure my happy pills. This acrobatic adventured culminated in a visit to the local crisis care center which is probably the most surreal experience of my entire life, which includes tripping on mushrooms and taking the NYC subway system to the East Village. We shall leave it at that as I am not sure I can write it in any way that can convey how warped an experience it is and that some people should not be in counseling.

This week I have also applied for five jobs. So far one is a bit of scheme which purports to turn you into a business coach, giving you all the tools it cost about $29K. Ha, yeah right. The other was one I had written off, but my friend Maria Niles nudged me about told me she wouldn't listen to my protests that I was under qualified. My friend Jennie graciously edited my cover letter into something wonderful and amazing. Withing minutes I received a "thanks for playing" response. Sigh. I suppose it was at least good for me to brave my insecurities and go for it. In that same vein I asked the trainer from the Moderator training to join my Linked In network, which he did. Again, something I usually would think about but never really do. So I am breaking my boundaries, challenging my insecurities and putting on a good face.

More later.

love
Dharma

Dazed and Confused

I have never seen the movie so I don't know whether my state relates at all to the plot, however it describes me pretty well right now. My work day started at 6:30am at a local Hol*day Inn for a monthly breakfast meeting for one of my associations. Apparently when I start doing these on my own (should I stay at this job) JP recommends me getting there at 6:00am to have enough time to do the set up on my own. Great. No getting off early today though I was told that perhaps I could leave early on Friday. Do I want overtime pay or time off? Hard to know which is better.

Which is the crux of the matter. Right now the money is much needed. In truth that won't change anytime soon. I have decided to keep job hunting and in theory devote some time to other more flexible (read self-employed) options. However this place would provide health insurance which none of the other options, as they exist, would provide. It's nice to actually have things to do even if they require knowledge I don't have, impossible deadlines, four associations all clamoring for attention, and a company that needs a structural organizer (think they'd hire me as a consultant instead?).

I am totally being treated as if my hire is a done deal, which is flattering, to be sure. Today the Associate Executive on two of my associations told JP when he showed up this morning (they were tag teaming) that the group wouldn't even miss him, that I was a quick study, I could practically do this myself next month, etc. It was all really nice because in truth I am not confident at all that I am grasping this stuff. I remain unconvinced that I am rocking this job.

If I take the job, how do I keep my commitment to DNE? If I have to be around a lackluster (predominately) bunch of office mates, and mostly conservative people in my associations (the remodeling industry and pest control for cripes sakes!) I am going to need a dose of my "tribe" something awful by August. I would gladly take the time off without pay, my other salary would far make up for it. It could work as long as I could get regular vacation with pay from this place because I will need time off from them that do not include my usual working vacation. Who knows what they will say once I finally find a stud for my nose piercing which is feeling awful empty with the ring missing. And I will definitely need more clothes if I stay here. It seems quite clear the overtime is part of the job but no overtime pay or comp time. That is not okay, not at all in my book. Well maybe if I would be making 40K or more but I would not be, not even close. It is not clear whether I would be able to ever leave early. I doubt it because no one has given me any indication that this place is not crazy with screwy deadlines, last minute changes and additions to programs, et. al. One office mate who seems rather like a Negative Nelly every time I talk to her said today that this place is "toxic"; she also told me she's been there for 4.5 years, 2 years longer than she planned. Hm.

What I do know is I don't want to be like Negative Nelly. I don't want to suddenly find that it's two years later and I'm miserable but getting a paycheck. What I also know is that I don't want to keep struggling to pay the ultities and groceries. Rock. Me. Hard place.

This isn't exactly how I envisioned this post, I seem to think there was something a bit more poetic roaming in my head, but since I slept like crap, woke way earlier than I'm used too and worked my butt off, this is what y'all are stuck with for this post. Sorry.