I am She, She is Me

It has been a process for me to realize that I am not as open as I had thought, presumed, and presented myself. It is true that I was raised to tell lies about my family, as many of us were. It is also true mine were convoluted and were not about physical abuse or running from the law. The lies were about identity, relationships, and to hide. I did tell one friend, Christine Domino who lived on Sackett Street, the truth. In retrospect I figure it was a fair trade since I watched her family crumble during our friendship. Hers was the first up close view I had of a real divorce.

When things crumbled in my family the binds where untied and my father told me I could tell anyone anything I wanted. I assume, again in retrospect that he meant about the mechanics of things not my feelings and upon further reflection I suppose it was part of his way of getting even now that his world had fallen. I did tell people, the shock value was excellent, the surprised looks were priceless as the saying goes.

Perhaps in part because of my family history I felt a desire to be an open book. In many ways I have been. If asked a question I generally answer, quite honestly I might add. A number of years ago I realized though when I answered those questions or told stories on myself that had serious content I had developed interesting walls through which truth seeped out. I rarely spoke with any emotion, it was like reading a script. I usually did not even report my emotional reaction to something, again I was a like a news correspondent offering the background story only with even less emphasis on the drama or grief than is given the most innoucous of crimes on most television stations.

It became apparent that as much I craved input, an emotional response to my sadness, that if I never expressed that or any other need I would not get it, which recreates my childhood over and over. Part of this realization is due to the internet. On the list I have been part of my posts would rarely garner a response. Even when I asked for one it was clear I that I wrote in a such a way that did not invite one. After being hit on the head with a two by four I have shifted my postings, at least a little. After being told by one after another of close, intimate friends that they don't know me, that I have these thick walls I am trying to install some windows.

For the past few months I have been battling, with growing failure, depression. Depression has been a familiar companion for decades now, since childhood really. There are times when I serenely accept the descending veil on my world, though that is more rare as I age. More times than not I rage at it, yelling at it as if I can command it back to it's figurative dog house in my psyche. I rarely can allow myself to wallow in it, to sink into it's cobweb arms as one lowers oneself into a warm bath. There are times that I think that would help and I indulge in an hour or two of such revelry to find comfort in the shadows.

Clearly TGF knew what was going on but when I finally called my BFF (ew I can't believe I just wrote that) Greg, in an absolute state of distress he said, "Gosh you have been hiding it well." There it is in a nutshell, I hadn't been really talking to even him. We email and/or call each other about weekly, he even reads this blog (though refuses to comment here!) but he was able to dismiss signs and I clearly hadn't reached out to even him. TGF says that our friend Ruth had mentioned that I seemed off. I see her 2-3 times a week when walking our dogs so my lack of upbeat dialogue was obvious I'm sure. It is also true that I might bitch to her about some stuff but I don't really talk to her about my inner world. Or much of anyone except once I'm totally passed the point of coping.

Yes, I know the tags say CSI and Lady Heather. I'm getting there, but now that I started writing the pen, as it were, took me down a slightly different road that I had in my head when I opened this page. Last night we watched CSI, the original and clearly the best, thank you very much. Because television likes to bait you, we knew that the recurring character of Lady Heather would be back much to our mutual delight. We were discussing the characters and I posited that Lady Heather would not be involved with Grissom or anyone else. I was having a hard time putting into words why but I said something like, "She's too much of a loner, and she has all these walls to keep people out." The reply I got was "That's like saying you can't be in a relationship." TGF went on to explain that Lady Heather reminds her of me. Given that she needs towels any time that actress is on screen anywhere, I said I would take that as a compliment. Beyond that, I was changing the subject, which I did.

Yeah I have some work to do. Gotta order me some windows, maybe even a door.