Which is why I am posting here.

I do  not want to lose track of these words. While I struggle to find if, how, when astrology fits into my world view, my ethos, Rob Brezsny inspires me and rarely do the word for my sun and/or rising sign fail to resonate.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): "It's never too late to become what you might
have been," said novelist George Eliot. I'd like you to keep that thought in
mind throughout the rest of 2013 and beyond, Leo. I trust you will allow
its sly encouragement to work its way down into your darkest depths,
where it will revive your discouraged hopes and wake up your sleeping
powers. Here are the potential facts as I see them: In the next ten
months, you will be in prime time to reclaim the momentum you lost once
upon a time . . . to dive back into a beloved project you gave up on . . .
and maybe even resuscitate a dream that made your eyes shine when you
were younger and more innocent.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): According to my reading of the astrological
omens, the next 12 months will be a time when you will have more power
than usual to turn your dreams into realities. You'll have extra skill at
translating your ideals into practical action. To help make sure you
capitalize on this potential, I suggest you adopt this Latin phrase as your
motto: *a posse ad esse.* It means "from being possible to being actual."
So why not simply make your motto "from being possible to being
actual"? Why bother with the Latin version? Because I think your motto
should be exotic and mysterious -- a kind of magical incantation.

The one about it never being too late strikes a deep chord as I am only now embarking, with feelings of great pressure and time lost, on my work as a therapist, and hopefully writer/presenter/teacher. However my dreams when I was younger and more innocent were far less fully envisioned; I suppose that is the benefit of dreams delayed, one has more time to carefully imagine details and considerations youth would have mislaid, ignored, or scoffed at - you know, like paying bills easily with a bit of money left over for regular fun and the occasional big expenditure like a trip to Thailand for 3 weeks. 

My dreams and hopes are seriously intertwined, like trees in the Everglades - they are lush, full, a bit scary, can look haunted in the right light, and come in hundreds of colors and shades.

My immediate future is full of the scary and exciting - doing a two hour talk/presentation on sexual orientation/gender identity for my community, building a client base, looking for jobs, lots of writing ideas that haunt me as I try to drift off to sleep, and taking over a conference which will test my strengths of organization, networking, and fundraising, to illustrate some of my plans, hopes, dreams. All this on the background of financial worry, fears of aging, loss of people dear to me, excitement of finishing school (OMG I did it!), trying to finally explore the county I live in after a year of being here, and hoping my friends and community didn't desert me after my hermit like existence of the last two years. 

It feels a bit like being on the edge of cliff, having faith that the winds will allow me to soar, while having the still the tiny but forceful voice that is terrified of how and where we might land.

The edge of the world

No it's the world does not really have an edge, not literally but I feel like standing on the edge of a cliff. Time is that cliff, the future is that cliff. My life is half over and I feel like I'm too late.

I am just getting started on the career I was supposed to have, meant to have, at least 15 years ago. I will probably never publish, never teach, never really do all the good I could have if I hadn't been caught up in, well myself, my baggage.

I'm old, tired, I have no retirement, I have no child, and I have no idea where I will be living or working in a few months. I love someone I can't make a commitment to and of whom I can't ask a commitment of.

The end of Grey's Anatomy, season 7 says so much about how I feel about being alone. 

There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don't have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever . . .

This is so unbelievably me, it and the whole episode, ended with me in tears. Listening to Meredith talk to the baby that she is bringing home, to an empty house had me wondering if I would be crazy to adopt. The answer is of course it's crazy and no one in their right mind would hand me a baby. I have not been able to fully process the choices, the realities that have left me a childless mother, with no spouse, with tens of thousands of student loans to repay. I am not sure I can. It is just too much. There is so much grief around the parenthood thing, leaving what was in many ways a good enough marriage with a wonderful person, the loss of people, chances, and youth.

Yes, in many ways, I would be better off not being in a relationship but is that reason enough to leave. Yes, in many ways I would be a really good parent but is that reason enough to to do it.  Yes, in many ways I will be an excellent clinician, but can I make way, earn my keep by doing that.

I am standing on the edge of cliff, trying to not to fall.

Made it!

Yeah! I did all 30 days this year, which kind of makes up for last year's screw up.

Today I participated in the monthly Trans Supervision and presented one of my cases for feedback - very helpful. Plus hearing about some of the other cases was very helpful. As I mentioned yesterday, I am really learning so much this year.

Also, in case any of you are interested I am working on helping with this conference in Albany on transgender issues. Friday will be a provider day focusing on attending needs and education for medical providers and mental health workers as well. Hope to see you there!

In which our heroine considers her luck

Internships by their nature are difficult, some have a steep learning curve, others move slow as molasses, it can feel like one is doing less than thrilling work for no pay (which often is the case - see the definition of internship). Last year I learned a great deal at my internship, I learned so much about myself, faced fears, and gained a greater appreciation of elders.

This year's is not a lot different, only I am doing actual therapy with clients, have my own caseload, working with a great population, and I am really digging the other interns.

But my clients! Oh my! I cannot believe how much I enjoy them, seriously. This does not mean they are easy, that they do not have massive concerns, and heavy pasts because they do. Even the ones I thought I would never feel connected to, or really invest in, I really find some joy, something fascinating about working with them. They each really challenge me in my skills, they encourage me to research more, to question my assumptions, and to daily wonder if I am doing my best with them. I realize there is no perfect treatment, that the likelihood of doing real harm, but I want to make a difference, in a positive way. 

I am still amazed by this journey.

Technology is weird

Right now I am on Skype for a meeting that is happening less than 90 miles away but between my schedule and gas prices, I'm here in Albany. In order for them to hear me, I am going through the PA system at my friends' house who is hosting. Apparently I am sounding omniscient according to the blessed Tara which I am enjoying the image of. Another person is on the phone in another state but she was having trouble hearing me - so they moved "us" closer. Not sure how but it's all rather amusing.

We are reviewing an event that we did back in October - finally doing our wrap up meeting. So many things to consider in a world where the special snowflakes {TM} do not predominant in terms in numbers but certainly in effort for those of us who work hard to make these things happen. The other problem we face is trying to please everyone, which simply isn't possible. The flip side of that is people, as a whole think of themselves first and foremost so things like food cause problems because they forget their are others needing to eat. Not making sense here, but trust me, in my head, it works.

Bah. Back to the meeting. See y'all tomorrow.

A "B" gets the degree

Some of you out there, like the 2 who don't personally know but read this blog, may not know this, but I am very competitive. With myself. Really. It's a good thing that I'm not two actual selves, because when I lose, I am mean and bitter. When I don't make the grade I think I should (which, honestly, is always an A), I am not pleasant to be around. I tried to amend this thinking the first time in graduate school by choosing a program that doesn't give letter grades. It worked. A bit. I suppose it helped, maybe.

Before school started a number of people told me not to focus on the grade, not to push so hard, that "B gets the degree", that no one was ever going to ask for my GPA, the initials after my name would be what counted. I really tried to absorb that. My best friend said that if he could change one thing about his graduate school experience it would be to not work so hard on maintaining a 4.0 (as if I could even thing about that!) and enjoy the experience more. Blah, blah. Easy for him to say all these years later.

This time around, I am in a program that gives real grades, not narrative evaluations. I replayed the mantra in my mind, over and over. I tried to cut myself slack because I was also dealing with Lyme disease that fall. The first semester I knew I was barely getting by in Social Welfare Policy. I mean I got the concepts, totally grasped the evaluation tool when I read about it, but putting it all together? Not so much. My final grade was a B, and I sucked it up. But it was hard, seriously hard. Worse was the A- in Macro - what did I mess up on the final? I must have missed something, right? Hadn't I been running a solid A? Maybe I miscalculated. Seriously it kept me up at night. Eventually I got back to sleep because push come to shove I still had 3.68 GPA, not really that bad. (For the record, because I am this crazed on the topic, my spring GPA was 3.93.And again, I lost sleep over the one A-. See, competitive and must have the rest of the world acknowledge that I'm not a loser.) 

Then on Sunday I got my grade for a reflective paper that rocked my world and caused me serious angst - an 80. AN 80! WTF! I don't get 80 on papers. The comments said things like I didn't reference the videos enough, that perhaps if I had done an outline (for a 5 page reflective frigging paper which had five questions that needed to be responded to which  I goddamn covered!), blah, blah. If I really owned up to my reaction, it was not the pissed at the professor I as I was touting. I was peeved at myself for not doing better, for not putting more effort into it. This is always my response - even when I get an 98. Seriously. I might have a tiny problem here. Today in class I found that at least two other students, who also "never" get 80, got exactly that on the paper, which of course made me feel much better. The professor then spoke about her grading methodology and apparently the only A's she gives out is for work far above her expectation for graduate work and a B was for solid, very good work that would be what she would expect from excellent work from a grad student. Sigh. Okay, once again I will work on letting go of my competition with myself (which desperately wants that 4.0 to top the spring semester's GPA). It is an ongoing exercise in all facets of my life - I could have done better, spent more time, done it perfectly, been more compassionate, and on and on and on. Apparently I am still perfectionism's bitch.

Tackling those pesky realities

Today I finally wrote letters and made copies of documents to send to the IRS for tax years 2010 and 2011. In a state of confusion, back in October, I opened mail from them regarding 2011 which said they were about to levy my bank account, and the other piece of mail from them for 2011 state I might be eligible for a refund due to Earned Income Credit. UGH. Now to pop them in the mail.

Once I arrived home I called the IRS about the mess of 2008, for which they claim I owe them scads of money, something around 9% of what I earned. Sigh. About a month ago I stopped a levy of my account but put off following up on it. In a panic from yesterday with the boot on my car for unpaid parking tickets (for which I hacked up $440 to get it removed), a terrible grade and blistering comments on a paper, I figured I best contact the IRS before they set out to levy my account again. Last month the fellow I spoke to said  he didn't know why the charge was so high (it should have been about $750 before fees and penalities - I've ignored this for a long time, but started at over a grand). The suggestion was to call their Examination department. Dutifully I called that number, and the woman on the other end of the phone said she could find nothing about this account, that it was closed - meaning they were done with it and gave me another number to call. Okay, 20 minutes gone. Called the next number where that woman said I was in the wrong department, but that she would help me. 

Imagine my surprise when the first thing she found was that, according to them, I never filed my 2007 taxes. Really? Not true, I replied, not only did I  file them on time but in 2009 I sent in an amendment. Sigh. Okay, I need to resend my paperwork from that year now, then wait about two weeks and send the amendment paperwork. Ugh. After we resolved that lovely bit of utter nonsense we moved on to the other years. I told her that I had mailed paperwork about 2010 and 2011, which included a potential refund rather than owing them money. She very nicely put a 60 hold on my accounts to give me time for them to review everything and at that point I could work out a payment plan, should I still owe them money. No doubt I will but hopefully not $1700!

Now I can breathe a little easier since I no longer have to worry about scads of money disappearing. Also on another upside, I had entered a little blog comment contest and won! So now I get to chose an e-booklet of knitting patterns. Since I already have 9 months (made Gramps for the nephew as his first knitted thing from me), I will choose this book. 

Also last night I did a new manicure and LOVE this color! On my screen the color of the bottle is closer than the nail sample in this photo. I think I will be using this color a lot.

Small things make me happy, which is good, because my budget doesn't leave room for big things.

The home stretch

In more ways than one! It's day 25 of NaBloPoMo and the end of my semester is quickly approaching. Also the IRS will be levying my account any minute because I did not send those blasted letters or call the whatsis center about three different tax years in the past 30 days. Sheesh. The IRS fiasco is just, well, going to be hell. I may be eating nothing but rice shortly.

Not going well was heading out the door to go to the co-op and discovering a boot on my car. Sigh. Unpaid parking tickets, only a few, honest. So much for veggies and my 10% student discount. Paid the tickets online, but when I went to call them police to see about having the boot removed, of course there was no answer. Looks like a lot of walking tomorrow. Having never had this happen before, I have no idea what is entailed in getting the device removed. Really, I could have lived my entire life without ever having this lesson in such things. 

The end of the semester with a maybe two weeks without classes and internship are looking delicious right now, though I know they will fly by far too quickly. However I plan on taking advantage of the ability to sleep in, to not have a paper to write, an article to read, or a modality to research. Perhaps I will be able to spend some time further rearranging and creating storage options out of thin air in my tiny and cute apartment.

Still have four major papers to write and three short ones. Dang. The up side of this is that the only things are outstanding are two of the short pieces. For my field evaluation I do need to write a process recording but I suppose I can do that fairly easily. Really in the scheme of things, much better than the last two semesters. Plus I haven't yet missed a day of NaBloPoMo, last year I missed two days by this point I think. 

Hm, what else is going well? Oh, I've been eating much better this semester than before, almost ever before. Lots and lots of veggies. I still really like my place and neighborhood, which is really good news. There is definitely things to adjust to by living in an apartment again after so many years of not. There are things I miss about living with a wood stove but waking up to a place at 50F degrees is not one of them!

Back to work for me.

Nice timing

Sitting alone, eating a bit of oatmeal for breakfast on Thanksgiving morning, I turned on the tv (the joy of visiting those that have one!), thinking "Oh, maybe I'll catch a few minutes of the Ma*y*s Thanksgiving parade." I have fond memories from childhood watching this on television but never had much desire to actually stand on the streets and watch it.

Imagine my delight when I tuned in just in time to catch the number from Nice Work If You Can Get it, since my cousin is in that show. This makes at least the second time he has performed during the parade. It really is thrilling to watch someone you know in such a setting, as I have mentioned about Jeff in the past. 

So that's how my Thursday started, and it was lovely.

Vulnerability

Many months ago I heard this, I no longer remember how I had come across it, but I found it so good, so true, so me.

Her concepts about taking that leap, investing without knowing the outcome are things I have been struggling with for some time. In fact it resonates a bit with a conversation my sweetheart and I were having yesterday. We do not really name our relationship, we do not refer to one another with any titles, as well we are both in similar and different places with regards to our fear of defining a future for the "us". 

It also resonates with some of my thinking about my clients, taking a leap with them on their journey. Brown mentions a social work expression of "leaning into the pain", and later reframes in as "leaning into the joy".  This is interesting when I consider the situation of two of my clients where it is hard to find the joy in their worlds. They are so bound by circumstance, isolation, mental illness (we will leave aside the arguments about that expression and its various meanings). With people so entrenched in the social services system the regularly depersonalizes experiences and interactions, where is it safe to explore your vulnerability? When you have been betrayed by family, those who should be a safe haven, where do you find that life raft of compassion? 

I do not have quite the barriers to being vulnerable in that I know there are people who deeply care for me, that ask me to be more exposed - making clear they will help me from leaking over the edges of myself. My jetties are self constructed from fear, disappointment and hurt than from systematic rocks like my clients. My work, as I have dwelled on here just recently (and ad nauseum throughout the history of this blog) is to keep trying to push past these barriers, to install windows and doors in my walls.

This site has some quotes, that while many are trite, convey the direction I am trying to move into, bit by bit, day by day.

Always more to learn about oneself, isn't there? 

If I had all the time in the world

Things I would knit:

• a flamingo for Aileen
• a hippo for Nev
• a penguin for Timbre and Nomi
• a mouse for Sunny
• lots of toys for my nephew, and clothes
• a llama for Greg
• gloves for Timbre
• more socks for Sunny
• something sweet and perfect for Hannah
• a great hat for Aileen
• legwarmers for Nev
• hiking socks for Greg
• the hat I've wanted to make for Janet, for YEARS!
• oh, and some things for me

Things I would cook/bake

• sweet potato pie
• gluten free bread
• lemon curd
• all the things from Baking with Julia, I did a couple many years ago but never made it very far
• pesto
• pad thai
• artisan breads every week
• complicated, multi-layered Indian and Thai recipes

Things I would read:

• this list is so long, seriously there are 489 (and counting) books on my "to read" over on Goodreads, however, in reviewing that list I have found that I have read 4 (Redwall #1, Cunt [which is SO terrible, I haven't been able to make myself finish it!], Stone Butch Blues, and one more that I don't remember now) of them that have been on the list since 2008! Also currently making my way through one that's been on the list for 3 years (Whipping Girl).
• all the Disc World books

But for now, I will tuck intothe things I can, in the time I have between school, internship, work, volunteer commitments, cooking for sustenance, sleeping, and sometimes being social.

Thanksgiving Eve

Well, once again it's the holiday season which brings up a lot of mixed feelings for me. 

Yes, I am seeing someone, but the long term future of that is very unsure (yes, I feel this way despite that the relationship has been going on for two years), so what does it mean for me to spend the holidays with my sweetheart's family again?  No idea. It's not just a matter of it being better than alone, alone is fine with me. I like family occasions, there is something sweet about them for me.

I like my sweetheart's family, I have lucked out a number of times of having affection for my partners' family, but I miss what mine used to look like; and as I'm sure I have mentioned a few times (I am not going to look all the times, because it's a theme) that I long for a familiarity of my own partnership and a self-created, joint-created traditions.  At this age, with my history, it seems unlikely I will have that consistency. Certainly nothing about my life demonstrates anything like of regularity, patterns, long term - well long term anything in many ways. 

I might be getting tired of the roller coaster or some other great metaphor that is my life. On one hand I totally love so many facets of my life, the fluidity, my ease of changing course. Perhaps it's the aging factor that is shifting my perceptions, my longing for something more sedate. However would I be bored if I get, created what I think I am missing? Honestly, I probably would but that doesn't mean I wouldn't love something about a new lifestyle. Every choice means there is something not chosen - another theme that one could find in the banality that is this blog.

Yeah, another bittersweet time for our heroine.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

November 20, 2012 is TDOR. 

Last week I was doing research of transgender people who have been murdered this year to prep for the Pride Center's event. This is not the most uplifting of projects to undertake; in fact it is depressing, sad, and angering.

This year the youngest transperson murdered, that I am aware of, was 16 at the time of their death. 16 years old.

The speakers at the event were passionate, loving, angry, supportive - in short all that they needed to be.

We came together in a circle for a candlelight vigil portion - using little battery operated candles. Someone walked around with little bios of some of the victims of hatred. We went around taking our turn reading these snippets, ringing a Tibetan bowl at the end of each short life story. It was hard not to have sobs rise up.

My reading said: Secil Anne was a young trans woman who lived in Antalya, Turkey. She was brutally murdered in July and is one victim in an onslaught of violence against transgender women in Turkey over the last few years. Dozens of trans people and allies gathered outside her apartment upon hearing of her death. 

It is estimated that 256 trans people have been murdered in 2012.  This is a 20% increase of the prior year. This link provides some more data, that while depressing, is important. In doing the research for this event, and listening to the readings tonight it is clear that more transwomen than transmen are victims in these murders, many of them are transwomen of color in the United States.

Do not let these deaths be in vain. Educate yourself, speak up against bias, mentor, befriend, listen to LGBT people who come your way. 

Political Infidelity

Did Patraeus step down because he had an affair, or because it was discovered, or because he may have said things to his beloved that breach confidentiality? 

Was Eliot Spitzer booted out because he had sex with prostitutes? If he didn't "pay" for sex, would he have been hounded out of office?

The attack on Clinton was because of extra-marital affair, really? You think?

There are dozens of other examples, and examples of other countries not caring about monogamy on the part of it's leaders, but here in the United States our puritanical roots are showing no matter how much bleach we use. Often the argument is that if our leaders cannot fidelitious to their spouses then how can they be trusted to run a country. It seems to me that personal values are being confused with the ethos that are need to keep a nation from war, to be culturally wise when dealing with world leaders, to begin to balance a ridiculous budget, and to even begin to understand our tax code. Sex is about intimacy, release, coping with stress, hormones, culture, power, and fun. Jobs of leadership are frequently not fun, stressful, full of surface comradery - seems a perfect recipe to want fun, exciting, nothing to do with your work.

It seems likely that all people slip up in telling state secrets, the larger issue may be whether we can trust their bedmates not to sell them. But why assume the other woman or man, is any more dishonorable then the spouse on this issue? Spouse testify against one another all the time. It's possible that agreements of silence are signed, but that could be done with the lovers as well, couldn't? But no, because these are passionate, because they  need the breath of fresh air of someone who is not connected to the swirling morass of complexity, because OhMyGod they like sex! They need to be condemned.

I would like to be more articulate on this matter and write a lovely diatribe on the anti-sex nation that we live in but it's not going to happen. Consider this an incoherent rant by an exhausted graduate student who has a presentation tomorrow, and a quiz due by tomorrow night, a house to clean, and key problem to solve before leaving town on Wednesday.

In which, the problem grows

Well, it happened. I'm slipping down the rabbit hole. Somehow I came home with 6 bottles of nail polish today, including a glitter {shudder}. This only proves how far the mighty can fall. Sigh. In my tepid defense it seemed the silver glitter would be a nice one coat of the color that I though was black but really be a very, very dark teal green, or something. It's name is "Mystery" and apparently it's because it's hard to know what color it is. 

In the meantime I think I will be painting my nails a peacock shimmery blue tonight. But later this week, I think it will be one of the dark reds I came home with since my sweetheart stated that "dark, sexy, or classic" will produce "swoons". I think dark red qualifies for all that. I intend to take full advantage of the effect.

But in the meantime my nail polish collection has gone from one bottle that has been unopened for over three years, then there were three new bottles a few weeks ago. There is a new bottle waiting for me in my post office box, and went shopping today. 
I fear there will be dotting tools in my future. Oh heavens!

Some days are just a bit blue

It's true, some days I am just fine, others rather happy - like yesterday. Then today, somehow just blah, bordering on sad.

Actually it still amazes me how many emotions I can experience in a day. Maybe when one pays attention, stays present it's easier to notice these thing. Certainly that is a nice, more "evolved" take on my moods. The other option is that I am not very stable, which given various things is a fear that I still harbor. Crazy sort of runs in my family and every once in a while, I wonder if I might succumb. Honestly I wasn't concerned with that today, but in reflecting on the day, and recent times, I realize that it still is underneath, buried, a fear that sometimes flashes itself in the sunlight. 

I'm sure tomorrow will be just fine, the little fuzzy buster of calm will crawl back into the corner.

Drive by posting

Good and long day, doing a SOGI event at the University today. Caitlin Ryan spoke about the Family Acceptance Project. 

I'm home briefly to take a breath and then a few of us are doing out to dinner with Caitlin.

Mostly I am excited about sleeping in tomorrow, doing laundry (seriously out of thing!) and maybe redoing my nails. Yes, I'm still trying to keep my nails nice and taking care of them. The other night I painted them with China Glaze's On Deck. On one hand (ha!) it seems a silly thing to be investing in given my schedule. Ditto wearing nice make up a bit more. However I am viewing as a bit of self care that feels nice, that even gets complimented sometimes (which is nice, I admit), so mostly I think it's a good thing.

Going to a team meeting for a client on Monday, have a presentation to prep a bit for that happens on Tuesday, have a quiz due Tuesday, and going to the Pride Center's Transgender Day of Remembrance that evening. Whew!

All this might explain why I have no idea what I'm doing on Thanksgiving - other than having totally forgotten about letting a friend stay at my place for part of that weekend! Brain? Memory? Huh? 

Yeah, that's my life right now. Okay, got to get ready to head back out! See ya on the flip side. Or something like that!

Overwhelmed and honored by my clients

I have had some really deep, profound moments with my clients lately. It is leaving me really, well the title says it. The responsibility that comes with the exposure then have given me, is awe-inspiring. There is reading about therapeutic alliance, and then there is experiencing it. 

One client is "a real bad as"s - that's a quote from the psychiatrist that has been working with this person for sixteen years, and it's accurate. Really tough character, very no bullshit (a word that is heard frequently in our sessions), softer emotions do not really appear. Survival is the key word here. Today, I sensed a deeper sadness more at the surface today. Taking a risk I noted it, dropped it, picked it back up a few times, mirrored the client's language. My client really exposed some emotional content. At the end of the session, the client asked if they could hug me. This feels huge for this person, like enormous - a literally and metaphorical reaching out. Blown away.

Another client is a teen but functions several years younger than chronological age - really sweet in a number of ways. The client was asking me some personal questions, which while I answered honestly, I also answered a bit incompletely, to keep boundaries. One question was whether I was married, "no, but I was". This led me to ask the client if they thought they ever wanted to get married - "yes". In asking about what kind of person they would marry - someone who talked a lot, or worked a lot, etc. The response, I want someone to love me, for me. The sweetness, the awareness, of the answer just made my heart burst.

These moments are not ones I expected to have, at least not yet; these moments are the ones I had stored in my hope chest for the day I was a "real therapist". It is amazing to have them now, to already have a client tell me how they were angry at me for "bringing  that stuff up" - which of course is my job. To experience counter-transference and be aware of it, trying face this stuff head on, it almost makes me feel like I might be ready for this work. Well as ready as anyone can be, this is work where some element of it is like starting anew every time you have that initial appointment. I find that as exciting as I find it terrifying - the challenge is so ripe, the hope so big, the possibilities so endless.

I want to remember this feeling of awe, of having my heart touched as I continue this work because I know there will be days, weeks, where the work won't go there, when it will feel more rote, even a bit hopeless. It is wise, I think, to remember that those glistening moments of connection are worth so much more than the days of bleakness.

In which I am still tired

It's true, I lead such an exciting life, that's why.
Ha, if only.

Long day, tomorrow will be long, Friday exceptionally long. The idea that Saturday I can sleep in is exciting to the nth degree right now. Except that if I sleep until 11am I will berate myself for doing so. Argh.

Since I last posted I have given a bit more thought to SWARE and a project for the spring to aid the Ali Forney Center, spoke to my supervisor about it extremely briefly and she's all for it. So if any of you have some brilliant ideas for a fundraiser in Albany, please let me know. We are thinking about a performance or dance, or something!

Okay, gotta finish a paper.

There simply aren't enough hours in the day

Sitting in the meeting of the Dean's Kitchen Cabinet meeting today that is the thought that I kept coming back to for about an hour straight. Through a cascade of things I am the current president of SWARE (Social Workers Advocating Respect and Equality for LBGT), a very new official student government organization at the School of Social Welfare. There are only three such groups, and I represent one of them! OMG. Dang. 

It's a good thing I'm good at picking up on things and figured out some things to say during this meeting of a whopping 7 people, including the Dean. Really it would be fabulous if I could figure out a way that SWARE could contribute to efforts to help rebuild the Ali Forney Center, as that would be the most logical place for this mostly imaginary student organization to put it's efforts. Perhaps over the winter break I can talk to folks at the Pride Center on ways to do something. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

In the meantime, go to the Ali Forney website and donate if you can.